the high king is not a little boy anymore. he did not change but grew up in the toughest way possible. peter has insomnia, trust issues now.
peter went through wars. he had so many thoughts and things to do that left him sleepless. he was like a ghost between his duties as the highest king, sometimes he was forgetting that he was even an alive being, a person. can you blame him? he was a brother, the eldest one. he was a king, the highest one. he had responsibilities for both being a king and a brother. after arranging everything in his study room in the middle of the night, he should check his siblings. he should be there when they need him and it gives him so much fear that what if he can't be there.
his eyes were pale now, after so many sleepless nights. there were so much pressure and suspicion behind those ocean blue eyes that you could see easily, does not matter who he is looking at because he was not running or hiding. he was suspicious, not a coward.
as a king, he learnt that no one can be trusted. edmund's betrayal taught him that betray can come from everyone. he does not blame edmund though, he taught him a very good lesson. but it is not just about learning, it gives him headaches, paranoia, anxiety, stress.
it just gets worse every day. he constantly thinks that everyone can be betrayer, he is afraid to hold someone's hand, he freaks out when he sees a stranger near his siblings even though they are the kings and queens of narnia. he does not accept the fact that his siblings are untouchable now, he becomes so overprotective that they eventually get mad at him.
he always looks around like someone's watching or listening, he can not sleep thinking that. he shivers and sweats in his dreams and he wakes up panting, he immediately goes to his balcony and check if there is someone, something. he sleeps with his sword next to him because he needs to be ready for any kind of danger, even if there is none.
he sends edmund when there is someone to be talked to, he can not stand to talk to someone stranger. he can not help it that his face turns red when someone who he does not know talks, he watches their face with horror and is not afraid to show that he does not trust them, he is the high king after all, no one can blame him for being careful for his siblings and people.
but they do not know he is tired of this. they do not know his mind desperately wants to trust someone, he wants to be belong with someone who he can trust with his heart, he does no longer want to be alarmed and anxious all the time, he wants to be relaxed and a peaceful sleep.
he asks himself every night, why is it so hard to sleep? why can not i just close my eyes and be calm? is it healthy to be this stressful? he does not have an answer, he only lays in his bed and looks at the ceiling with thousands of thoughts in his mind. he is the high king, there are thousands of people who can think for him but can he trust them? no, no one can be trusted. he puts so much pressure on himself and he knows that but then he whispers to himself "you have to do everything yourself if you want to be worthy of the name of the magnificent." he thinks that this is the only way.
his siblings get worried about his situation, they try to convince him that they no longer need protection but he does not listen. again, they try to convince him that he needs to rest, sleep and get relaxed a bit, they are afraid of that he will pass out somewhere if he keeps doing this because his need of sleep can be seen with a look at his face but he refuses everytime, he refuses that he needs help. they are overreacting, he thinks.
he is fine.
he thinks that he is fine.
he believes that he is fine.
he knows that he is not fine.
